In
my work as a career/life coach I support people in developing their
lives and businesses. Whether the client is looking for a job, building
a business or even looking for a romantic relationship, we inevitably
get around to reaching out to their community for encouragement, advice,
recommendations and of course referrals. Inevitably there is resistance.
Most people say with great earnestness, I'm not good at asking for
stuff. I prefer to do it on my own. On my own. Hmmm…buy why?
"Wouldn't it be a lot easier to accomplish your goals with a
little help from your friends, family and associates?
Danielle, Artistic Director of a Theater Company found prospective
board members with one call to a fellow client. Mark, a specialist
in Information Technology found the job he sought for two years through
a neighbor right down the street. Bernice's stalled dissertation in
Archeology picked up speed with the introduction of a writing partner.
My clients and I have benefited greatly from pushing past our resistance
to making requests. Personally, my coaching business is almost entirely
referral based. Early in my career, those referrals often came from
direct requests. It started with inviting friends to use and then
refer my services. I still make it a practice when I am starting classes
or workshops to ask for referrals, particularly from "centers
of influence," i.e., people with a large circle of contacts.
I just started putting together a new workshop for working mothers
"Designing your career to fit your life." Who did I call?
The working mothers I know. Whatever your industry, declaring your
gift or service as well as a need for help can build confidence, intimacy,
and concrete results for your business.
Recently my client, Greg, an actor ran into an old friend on the subway.
When asked how it was going, he said, Great, I'm meeting with agents
and casting directors, and really focused on finding the right agent
partnership." He then surprised himself by asking for a referral
right then, which he immediately obtained. He told me later, "It
was so easy. I could do this all the time."
So, why don't we do it all the time?
1. WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR NO.
We're
afraid of the rejection. We don't want to know that they think we're
not ready, willing or able enough to give us the job, referral, or
encouragement, we seek.
But,
what's the worst thing that could happen? They won't work with you?
They're not working with you now. Everyone's got an opinion and as
difficult as it may be, everyone's not going to love your work. You're
going to have to be your own best fan to thrive in our competitive
culture.
Being willing to hear "no" allows you some great benefits.
First, you can get feedback and evaluate the need for development.
Second, you can stop "waiting" for this person to help you
and move onto someone else. Third, being willing to hear 'no' actually
makes more room for 'yes'. You can ask easily, often and without the
fear that may scare people from saying yes. You will be more relaxed
and confident
Fourth, you can get a "yes". If you haven't popped the question,
they're not engaged.
2. IT'S CHEATING (TOO EASY) TO GET HELP. WE SHOULD "TOUGH IT
OUT" ALONE.
We're afraid of appearing needy or desperate. I call this the "High
Noon" Trap. We think we have to stand on a silent, dusty road,
gun at our hip, ready to do battle with business. On the contrary,
every business runs on relationships, and yours should too (if it
doesn't already). It's a two-way street. Don't you want to help your
friends? If you needed a plumber and your friend was a talented plumber,
would you call everyone else in the book first? Why tough it out alone
when you can do business together?
Why not take the easy way out? Wouldn't you rather share your gift
with people you know, instead of doing cold calls?
3. IT'S IMPOLITE TO ASK. IF THEY WANTED TO HELP THEY COULD HAVE.
We're afraid we'll ruin the relationship. We'll feel too uncomfortable
with the "no" between us to continue. Don't you think the
"unasked question" is an energy drain on the relationship?
Sharing your gift or ambition and their ability to help you provides
an opportunity for intimacy. You're letting them know about something
that's important to you and you're acknowledging their resources and
expertise. If they do say 'no', give yourself and them some credit
in being able to handle the truth.
Your potential advocate may believe you don't want their help, that
you're uncomfortable showing your stuff. They may wonder, if you haven't
asked, if you're ready to put yourself out there professionally. I
can't tell you how many times, clients have asked old friends and
colleagues for help and been surprised when they got it.
3. IT'S THE WRONG TIME.
As Dr. Suess says in "The Places You'll Go", "the waiting
place is a most useless place... waiting...for the phone to ring,
or the snow to snow, or waiting around for a "Yes" or "No"
or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting."
We're
waiting till we know them better, they're through moving, or we've
logged enough dinner dates. Or sometimes we figure it will never be
the right time. It's been too many years or too many differences.
I
say, seize the moment. Start with wherever you are in the relationship.
If there's a mess, use this as an opportunity to clean it up, get
closer, reacquainted or reunited. Here are some examples of openers:
Hi
Barb. This is Penelope Brackett. Have you recovered from the shock?
It must be 10 years. I definitely wondered if it was too late to resume
the relationship. But I've got to tell you, I'm starting this new
business and I just kept thinking about how impressed I've been by
your business and I figured you'd be a great help and it would be
a good excuse for getting back together.
Gosh
I hardly know you, but I'm totally charged by your business savvy.
Can we get together for coffee to brainstorm new directions for my
business?
I've
gotten incredible feedback and some dollars promised for the project,
but we need some big bucks to take us to the next level. Mom, you
know I'm cruising for board members. What family or family friends
can you hit up as candidates? (What are Moms for?)
4.
IT'S WRONG TO "USE" PEOPLE.
As
the old song says, "if it feels this good being used, you just
keep on using me, until you use me up". My client, Barbara regularly
donates platelets. She received a call recently that she was the perfect
donor for a woman suffering from cancer and a request to be "used",
that is, donate more platelets. She felt "chosen", absolutely
blessed to be able to give a life-giving part of herself.
We have so many live-giving parts to share. Networking is often misunderstood
as a manipulative, selfish activity. The best, most joyous and successful
networking is all about generosity, about asking and offering, giving
and getting resources for everyone's mutual benefit. Give people the
opportunity to be of use, to share their experience, knowledge and
resources.
When
you are clear about the gift you have to offer, whether it be your
acting or financial services, you give people the chance to use your
service and/or turn on a valued friend or associate. You also provide
a model for asking something they want for themselves. Believe me
everyone needs support.
George
Bernard Shaw said, "I am of the opinion that my life belongs
to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to
do for it whatever I can… I want to be thoroughly used up when
I die, for the harder I work the more I live.
Note: WHEN THEY SAY "YES" …
Make
it easy for people to follow-through on their promise. Don't wait
to hold it against them if they don't do exactly what you need, exactly
when you need it. Assume you'll have to manage them in the task.
Here's
some management dialogue:
Hey, I want to call those two prospective clients you mentioned. Can
you give them a call today and call me right back on the scoop. Thanks.
I'll definitely follow up on that manager. Can you a place a call
while I'm here in the office and then I'll follow up as soon as I
get back to my place.
HERE'S THE WRAP UP.
1.
BE WILLING TO HEAR "NO", SO YOU'LL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO HEAR "YES". ASK.
2. TAKE THE EASY AND EFFECTIVE WAY IN. ASK.
3. MAKE IT CLEAR YOU'RE READY, WILLING AND ABLE. ASK.
4. IT'S ALWAYS THE RIGHT TIME. ASK.
5. PUT PEOPLE TO USE. ASK.
6. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. ASK. (The more you ask, the easier it
gets).
If
you have any questions, ask.
